Oops I crapped my pants

This is an oldie, but a goody. This post is the reason Sarah and I met. Plus, it's still relevant. Why? Because I would still rather be fat than an overweight pants pooper. Amen.


I am fat. I want to be skinny. On the other hand, I do not want to poop my pants. That is why I will not be purchasing the new weight loss drug ALLI. Here is a quote that I pulled from an MSNBC article on ALLI :

"(I)’ve pooped my pants 3 times today, and sorry to get descriptive but it even leaked onto the couch at one point!” writes one user. " which can be found at : http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19587389

There is also a list of side effects on ALLI's website. http://www.myalli.com/howdoesitwork/treatmenteffects.aspx These include:
# You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work
# You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens

OK, how about eating healthy and exercising as opposed to pooping your pants. Im all for losing weight, and I know that eating healthy and exercising are hard (this is why I am still fat), but let me tell you I would rather not poop my pants. It's bad enough to be overwieght. Let alone to be an overweight pants pooper.

i love the smell of cat ass in the morning

so i have a cat. i have two, and they are both pretty much assholes, just in different ways. oh, and i have dogs, too, and again, i am going with asshole on this one as well, but this story is all about my retarded feline, and how she has decided to love me. did i say love? i meant, how she has decided that she will tolerate me enough to not smother me in my sleep. hmm, it occurs to me now i may have mistaken her intentions and that is exactly what she intended to do.

quick background: we adopted this little kitten not too long after i had to let those nice people at the vet murder my beloved cat, kitler. that's right, her name was kitler, like hitler, but with a k, and she was evil. and wonderful. and snorted like a pig due to a large nose tumor. rip, poor dead kitler. so being that i need to replace things in my life that love me and leave immediately, said kitten seemed like a great idea. at first she did all the kitteny things she should have to win my heart.

kitten: lady, look at me, i am chasing this thing. um, what the fuck is this thing and why am i running after it? oh wait, i am a cute tiny baby and you WAAAANT me.

me: (to family) omg, look at the tiny little baby ball of fur. i want it, i am having it.

kitten: yes. yes you are having it (insert evil kitten type laugh)

so we get kitten home, promptly give her a name (which she has still never learned) and let her settle in. at first, it's all fun and games: running kitten, chasing string kitten, generally being so cute you want to squeeze her to death kitten. then something happens. she gets fat. and fatter. and fatter. and i think at this point her head starts to shrink, like at the end of beetlejuice. her little cat eyes start to take on a vacant look and her personality disappears like she is now some kind of pod cat. oh, and did i mention she hates me at this point, too? well she does. or maybe i am exaggerating and she is just indifferent to me. either way, i don't take rejection well so i do what any normal woman who's being rejected does and i throw myself into forcing her to love me. i do this by constantly kissing and hugging and generally throwing myself at her.

fast forward to this saturday morning. i feel fat (she never learned her given name, delilah, so we just call her fat) jump up on the bed. i feel her little cat paw start poking at my chest, followed by her massive bulk standing on my chest. of course at this point i can feel my chest cavity start to cave in under the weight, and i know i might die, but fuck it, my cat LOVES ME! i know it! and just when you think your cat loves you, she sits, tail up, directly down onto your mouth and nose. like the title says...