Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Want to know what I want to be when I grow up??? LADY GAGA!!!!

ga ga oooooh lala, ga ga oooh lala ga ga oooh lala, it's a bad manstance.
ME: Honey, I think the words are "bad romance"
Emma: No mom. I know lady Gaga and that is not what they say. Its manstance.
Me: what do you think that means? I think that doesn't make sense. I think it says "bad romance" because that makes sense.
Emma: Ya? Well you are LYING. I know the words to Lady Gaga songs and you don't. Good bye.

Epilogue: This child also sings lyrics like "apple bottom jeans, and boots with the ferns, the ferns, the ferns. " and "Chinese like a melody, in my head...." Be warned, these lyrics come with the shaka shaka dance. Which involves incorrect lyrics and seizure like shaking of the booty. We thought "balleray" lessons would help alleviate the shaka shaka dance but so far, they seem to be making it worse. Do you think hip hop dance lessons would be more appropriate?

Monday, July 12, 2010

Small children, fire, and life lessons

Why does fiesta jesus reference the sweaty breasts crack? Well I'll tell ya. The other day, I had on a tank top and I had stuck a lighter in between the girls.....for, you know, lighting citronella candles and such as. Anyway, I was leaning over helping my four year old do something and she grabs the lighter and yells "MOM! DID YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A LIGHTER IN YOUR BREASTS CRACK!" and then she smells it. She hands it back and says: "It smells like sweat" and then she ran off. Lesson from psalm 33:4 Do not let small children grab indiscriminately at your girlie parts. Amen.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Hi. My name is Emily and I have a problem with food. Delicious, delicious food. And bacon. God I love bacon.

Sarah and i have decided that we are starting a support group and 12 step program for people obsessed with thinking about food. We don't care that OEA already exists because, just like everything else we do...ours is better and most importantly, funny. So, Sarah wrote out the 12 steps and a new serenity prayer just for us.

god, give me the strength to resist the donut, the courage to eat raw vegetables, and the wisdom to know the difference. amen.

The 12 steps of the Dear fiesta jesus I love bacon more than my husband or Good god this cake is delicious I must eat the whole pan; group.

1. we admit that we are powerless over sugar, carbs, and fatty sausagy foods and our lives have become unmanageable.

2. came to believe that a power greater than ourselves, namely fiesta and weather jesus, could restore us to a body mass index under 35.

3. made a decision to turn our fat rolls and double chins over to the care of fiesta and weather jesus as we understand them.

4. made a fearless and searching inventory of our stash of granny panties and fat jeans.

5. admitted to fiesta/weather jesus, to ourselves, and to each other the exact nature of our breasts crack sweat.

6. were entirely ready to have fiesta/weather jesus remove all our hidden chocolates that we stash from our children or significant others.

7. humbly asked fiesta/weather jesus to remove at least like 20 pounds so we can go down a pants size, goddammit.

8. made a list of all McDonald's, quickie marts, and taco johns we have abused, and became willing to make amends to all of them by ceasing our patronage.

9. made direct amends to all the sales clerks we have abused verbally when they told us we may want to move up to the next shirt or pants size, except when to do so would cause us to punch them in the face.

10. continue to take personal inventory of our cravings for krispy kreme/sprinkles cupcakes/gas station hot dogs and when we were craving, promptly admit it to the group.

11. sought through booze and cigarettes to improve our conscious connection with fiesta/weather jesus, praying only for knowledge of a 100 calorie pack snack that didn't taste like shit and the power to buy them instead of regular brownies.

12. having had a sugar awakening as a result of these steps, we try to carry these principles to other fat asses and to practice these principles whenever we go to gas stations, when we are traveling, or when we have fucking stresses that make us want to eat fat/sugar/carbs/salt.

I don't know about you but I am not sure these will help. They did, however, cause me to pee my pants a little because I laughed so hard when I read them. Maybe I should go jog a little. Like to my kitchen for some brownies.