Monday, August 2, 2010

i love the smell of cat ass in the morning

so i have a cat. i have two, and they are both pretty much assholes, just in different ways. oh, and i have dogs, too, and again, i am going with asshole on this one as well, but this story is all about my retarded feline, and how she has decided to love me. did i say love? i meant, how she has decided that she will tolerate me enough to not smother me in my sleep. hmm, it occurs to me now i may have mistaken her intentions and that is exactly what she intended to do.

quick background: we adopted this little kitten not too long after i had to let those nice people at the vet murder my beloved cat, kitler. that's right, her name was kitler, like hitler, but with a k, and she was evil. and wonderful. and snorted like a pig due to a large nose tumor. rip, poor dead kitler. so being that i need to replace things in my life that love me and leave immediately, said kitten seemed like a great idea. at first she did all the kitteny things she should have to win my heart.

kitten: lady, look at me, i am chasing this thing. um, what the fuck is this thing and why am i running after it? oh wait, i am a cute tiny baby and you WAAAANT me.

me: (to family) omg, look at the tiny little baby ball of fur. i want it, i am having it.

kitten: yes. yes you are having it (insert evil kitten type laugh)

so we get kitten home, promptly give her a name (which she has still never learned) and let her settle in. at first, it's all fun and games: running kitten, chasing string kitten, generally being so cute you want to squeeze her to death kitten. then something happens. she gets fat. and fatter. and fatter. and i think at this point her head starts to shrink, like at the end of beetlejuice. her little cat eyes start to take on a vacant look and her personality disappears like she is now some kind of pod cat. oh, and did i mention she hates me at this point, too? well she does. or maybe i am exaggerating and she is just indifferent to me. either way, i don't take rejection well so i do what any normal woman who's being rejected does and i throw myself into forcing her to love me. i do this by constantly kissing and hugging and generally throwing myself at her.

fast forward to this saturday morning. i feel fat (she never learned her given name, delilah, so we just call her fat) jump up on the bed. i feel her little cat paw start poking at my chest, followed by her massive bulk standing on my chest. of course at this point i can feel my chest cavity start to cave in under the weight, and i know i might die, but fuck it, my cat LOVES ME! i know it! and just when you think your cat loves you, she sits, tail up, directly down onto your mouth and nose. like the title says...