drum roll please dududududu...or however it goes

my name is rena, and i am an addict. i somehow believe that if you eat a pound of pasta over a 24 hour period, wash it down with pepsi, and cleanse your pallet with 42 cupcakes your ass will not become wider than the office chair you sit it on all day long. i hit bottom when i woke up in a cheap motel surround by twinkie wrappers and styrofoam take out containers, and i didn't even know their names, but i hear there is a youtube video of the night online.

i have been on the wagon about 10 days now, and it's soooo a one day at a time thing. a whole whopping 4 pounds have removed themselves from my body, but dammit, this is just too slow for me. i need instant results! i want to be energetic and thin, like a squirrel on crack. scratch that, squirrels are fat. um, what is thin? okay, wait, if a squirrel does start hittin' the pipe, does it become thin? does it also start wearing ratty cutoffs, a dirty wife beater and selling its ass on the local corner? oh whatever, you know what i mean. i want to be thin, because not looking at your cottage cheese thighs or feeling your belly rolls touch each other leads to instant happiness, wealth, and popularity, right? right?!?!