MY ZOO


Okay so yesterday I went to a going away party for a teacher friend of mine. She is moving far away from our district and in my mind I am secretly wanting to punch her in the face because she has managed to find a way out. Now I went with a good friend of mine Allie who thinks the same way I do. Some of the people that showed up at the party were not normally people we hang out with...one because they are way younger and two because they still find drinking and hangovers a fun activity. The girl who is throwing the party was actually one of my students 15 years ago and is now a teacher. I love her tons. These younger ones don't always have a lot of tact. I mistakenly admitted that I had six dogs. This led to several questions as to why in the hell would I have that many "inside dogs". You should have seen there face when I also explained that we had 3 cats and a nervous hamster. I then had to tell them about each of the dogs. Now for many of the people there they already had heard this so I tried to get through the explanation fast. Allie mae is a border collie/lab mix and is the queen, she is the growly one and tends to get pissy when the other dogs come close enough to disturb her while she is begging for my food. Abner is a Vizsla who core temp is 1000 degrees and has a metabolism we would all kill for. He is a big lap dog who is constantly searching the house for any crumb of food (He ate a whole plate of hotdogs tonight). We are planning to make him a raw meat treat that will help him pack the pounds on. Next is Boo, the german shorthair/lab mix. She is the leader and the biggest. Boo eats first and then will sit next to the dish so Maisie can eat. She believes she is human, which makes her think that when she lays in our bed she can take as much as she wants. She can often be found laying on the couch on her back with her feet up in the air and her hooha out for the world to see. She also snores horribly. Then there is stormie, a pure bred Border collie who truly loves to herd the other dogs. She loves to be outside but only if the others come with her. Often you will see her come back in the door and nose the other ones out. And if only one comes out and it is not who she wants she will bark at the door until the companion she wants comes out. Her shyness is cute and with her long hair she loves laying in the shower in the basement to keep cool. Next there is Maisie (now by this point you can see the people who have already heard this a million times starting to fade but the others are still hanging on to my every word, so I keep going.) Maisie is a walking irony. She is a mini long-haired weiner dog who is extremely fat. We call her "the snatcher" because even with all the extra pounds she can snatch a poptart and have it eaten before you can catch her. She also sees herself as a big dog and will take on the others. I love watching her run because her ears fly up with every step. She will have the dogs chasing her in circles around the back room couch. She will even turn around and as they are coming at her she will go right through their legs. Lastly is Presley. He is an English Lab with a little black bear in him. He still is at the puppy stage. We have lost many loved shoes to him and every now and then he will have an issue pooping because whatever he swallowed is not wanting to come completely out the other end. Therefore we must step in and help him out. This is not an easy task for me because animal poo makes me want to puke. He is however very greatful when we pull out the 12 inch piece of sock or baby wipe. Now I thought I was done but nooooooooo they have to hear about the cats as well. So I go on to tell them about Binx the tailess cat we rescued from a parade. He too believes he is human. He weighs more than Maisie and maybe Reigan (okay not Reigan but Maisie for sure). He is the most loving cat but he can get a bit overwhelming. And petting he becomes a challege because you will find yourself eating fur because he sheds non-stop. When we comb him I believe if we attached jumper cables to the huge furball we could create a franken cat. Parrot is the little "fatback" twin. She has one jacked up eye that is constantly draining. When we first brought her home she had kennel cough. She sneezed so hard that Shawn ended up with a glob of snot the size of a quarter on his shirt. I laughed, he did not. She has also been nicknamed "the bathroom cat" because whenever I go to the potty she will scratch at the door until I let her in. I will try to sneak past her while she is cat-napping and go up to the upstairs bathroom. Just as I am getting ready to pull my pants down she is scratching at the door. Now while I am peeing this is not a big issue but when pooping she can be a real pain in the ass (no pun intended). Finally shy the constant hacker. She seems to have hairball issues often. Shy loves the night. She will jump our feet at night while we are in bed...not just in bed but after we have been out for a couple of hours. She loves sleeping next to Allie...who tolerates her. Now there was one time she thought it would be funny to play with Boo's tail as Boo was drifting off to sleep. Boo growled and snapped at her to the point that I made Shawn turn on the light and check to see if Shy had just been eaten. She was fine. She is also the softest animal we have. By this time I was tired of hearing about the damn animals myself. (mind you...I told all this in ten minutes) Now the stupid questions come..how often do you vacuum..Me: about 3 times a week. Do you buy a lot of dog food...Me: yes two big bags twice a month. Don't they shed...Me: Yes they do. And the best one...Does your house smell like animals...Me: no it smells fine. Now what I wanted to say....Hell yes it smells like a fucking shit hole! Anyway that was my night last night. I actually did have fun but honestly some people do not get the animal thing. I know we have a lot but they are awesome pets and our lives would not be the same without them.