The Overwhelming Powers of the Granny Bible

So, my late mother is going to be a grandmother soon. I know that sounds strange, but my mom died when I was 24 and I am now 29 and knocked up with an illegitimate biracial baby. My mom was the type of person who would have found this hilarious and happy.
In going through some old stuff, I found her old Bible. My mother went through a very religious, devout stage in her life pre-divorce, and this Bible has a total spot of honor in my memory. It is a crusty ass old Bible that has this hideous cream leather zip cover with her initials (RTB) embroidered on the front.
For many moons now, my cholas and I have professed a faith in the powers of the Granny Bible. What, may you ask, is this magical item? Well, I am here today to tell you that the Granny Bible is alive and well and sitting on my night stand. I would like to inform you of the powers of this spiritual wonder.

• Do you think your child is possibly heading down the path of boas, glitter, pumps, and straight up homosexuality? Hit that little blossoming queer with the Granny Bible, and the gay just falls on the floor like a glob of MAC concealer.
• Is someone trying to pimp you? Then smack that bitch with the Granny Bible. It overpowers all pimp juice.
• Is one of your loved ones smoking crack and acting inappropriately? Hit them with the GB and their crack pipe will explode.
• Is someone in your life just generally a fucking asshole and you can't stand them? Put the GB into your purse and brush against them. The GB is so powerful that they will then become cooler and less like a douchecanoe.

Here are some examples of when GB will NOT work for you:

• You are Dr. Laura
• You disrespect the GB in any way
• The leatherette cover is removed from the actual Bible. The cover is the most powerful part.

Please, if you have need of the GB, send postage paid packaging to me along with 1 dozen donuts.